thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
