Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
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He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
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Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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