uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
