And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
