its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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