phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
