ya dads aren't the best wingmen
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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