It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
