I just pynch a tree in the face
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
