We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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