a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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