Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
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this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
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The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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