what day is it and did you see me today?
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I smell like Dick and happiness
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