It's Friday. Sex?
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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