A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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