he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
