What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
