I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
