just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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