got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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