I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
