took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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