i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Randomize
