Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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