Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
