The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Actions speak louder than pants.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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