You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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