The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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