My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
