Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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