youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Randomize
