He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
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Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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