I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
