I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
