If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
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