Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
