Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
