I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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