is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
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