did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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