apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
