I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
where are my eyebrows?
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