They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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