I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
