In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
