Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Randomize
