How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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