You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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