and next time when you feel me up, do it right
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
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I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
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I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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