im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Randomize
