Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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