I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
