I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
