quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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