I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
