its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
